**Trigger Warning**

This blog post addresses healing from sexual abuse. This may be a sensitive subject for some readers. There is personal testimony shared with the intention of bringing healing and light to this topic. If needed, please read when you are in a private setting. God bless you!

Twice in my life, I’ve been called to jury duty; twice, they were child molestation cases. The coincidence was mind-boggling and painful—like a cruel joke. The first time I was questioned by the defendant’s lawyer, I could barely choke my words out through the tears when he asked me if I had ever been molested.

Though very difficult, sharing this painful experience aloud was the first step to setting me free from shame. Initially, being faced with my childhood trauma threw me into a torrent of sharp triggers—especially while living in the same house with those who had hurt me. I grappled with deep anguish—feelings I wasn’t able to process as a child. Though the sexual abuse was no longer happening, the verbal and physical abuse still did. Anger and indignation toward my family came raging to the surface, and I confronted them with the pain. I wanted to hurt them back. Confrontation brought harsh reactions, words that stabbed, and violence—increasing the anguish. I felt trapped in a cage of sharp needles, filled with hatred and bitterness, blaming them for my misery—the depression, anxiety, and hopelessness.

I became angry with God, too. Where was He when I was 4 and every other time? Where was He now? Why hadn’t He kept all this from happening to me?

Gradually, as God led me through this painful but necessary path to healing, I realized my pain wasn’t His fault. He gives us all free will; sometimes that means we choose to sin and hurt one another. The choices my family made in their brokenness had severe consequences. The pain they inflicted on me was not God’s will, and—though I didn’t know it at the time—He had already designed an intricate plan to heal me.

In the thick of the trauma, I felt so alone, stuck in a pit of sickness in the soul. I hated my family. I hated people: people meant pain. I wanted nothing more to do with them.

Photo by Marc Zimmer on Unsplash

Yet, God showed me I needed people. He built us to need one another, be part of a community. Though God has not visually shown Himself to me, He’s loved me through many people.

One of the most important persons God put in my life is my best friend, Joakim. She called from 3 time zones away, staying up late to talk to me, and we sang “Livin’ On a Prayer” together every night. It was the highlight of each otherwise dismal day. Joakim is that special friend the Bible mentions who sticks closer than a brother. Loyal, patient, and kind, she has been there for me through the years. Her faithfulness shows me God’s love, grace, and abiding presence.

Others included people in my support group. The desperate pain of trauma pushed me to seek help. Before, humiliation had kept me from telling anyone about the molestation and its resultant struggles of self-hatred, insecurity, bitterness, rage, and anxiety. Being part of the support group helped me see that I wasn’t tainted by shame because I had been molested.

Shame is a cruel instrument the devil uses to keep many of us—especially sexual abuse survivors—or victors, really—from healing. It’s a lie that tortures us, creating the illusion that we are completely alone, pushing us still deeper beneath the guilt of being violated. Not only that, shame brings us the deception that we are bad, not acceptable. When we believe what we’ve been through is disgraceful, fear of judgment keeps us from telling anyone, so no one knows to help, and we keep believing no one cares, and the cycle goes on—entrapping us in a lonely, devastating cage of helplessness and hopelessness. At its worst, this cycle can end in suicide.

The truth is we who have been sexually violated are—by far—not alone. About 1 in 3 females have been sexually violated in some way. Men are not exempt: about 1 in 4 males have been through this horrible experience, too. But the devil doesn’t want us to know that or talk about it because we might then be freed from his oppression.

In attending a support group, I realized there were others who had been through the same intense struggles within ourselves and with our families. I never thought I would find people who understood my pain, but these women did.

Photo by Wylly Suhendra on Unsplash

They had been through the same ravaging effects that sexual abuse has on our emotions, minds, bodies, hearts, our relationships, and our very souls. I was no longer alone, no longer isolated by shame. Sharing removed the sense of disgrace and freed us from the chains of silence, bringing us the comfort and strength in knowing we do not fight this battle alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Does a Good Support System Look Like ?

God shows His tangible presence through people who bring His comfort and hope.

One most powerful conduit of His healing is support from a God-loving, Christian counselor. Counseling is helpful for many reasons, the most basic one being that simply talking about your life with someone unbiased and unrelated to your life can be very helpful in processing your emotions, thoughts, and experiences.

Even those without trauma can benefit from having a counselor simply to make sense of this chaotic world and our often equally chaotic lifestyles. Moreover, every human has a desire to be heard and known. A counselor who listens well can help fulfill this basic and very important need. For those who do have needs for deeper healing, counselors are trained to respond in helpful ways and administer effective therapies.

Staying connected with a counselor who actively pursues a relationship with the Lord is key. One cannot find full healing without seeking God for guidance because He is our ultimate Healer. He is the only one who knows your heart, what you’ve been through, and precisely what you need in your current season of healing. With that said, not every counselor is skillful. However, a counselor who has good training and seeks God will be powerfully led by Him as she or he helps you in your healing journey.

God can use inner healing and prayer ministries in mighty ways, too. For a long time, I wasn’t just too bitter to forgive, I was afraid to forgive. I thought forgiving meant letting the harmful people back into my life—giving them the power to hurt me again. Finally, I learned I could forgive without fully letting them back in. Forgiving others is required by God; trusting them again is something they have to earn.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

This breakthrough revelation came through an inner healing ministry that brought me much freedom. Through it, I learned it was okay to keep healthy boundaries even with people close to me, even family. Moreover, I needed to forgive if I wanted to be freed from bitterness and for God to forgive me of the sins of hatred, resentment, and violence.

Another powerful ministry increased my awareness of the spiritual problems passed down through my family, and people lovingly stepped in as representatives for my father and mother, and spoke to me much-needed words of healing and blessing that I longed to hear from them.

God knows we need His human representatives to help us experience His love in concrete ways. Yet, when we’ve been hurt, we can be terrified of being wounded again, unsure who to trust. Still, God created us for relationship; we need each other to heal and grow. Let people in, but be wise. 

Get connected to a Bible-based, Jesus-centered church who knows Jesus’ heart and character, so you can experience the love and acceptance of being in God’s family. Sometimes, hearing other people’s testimonies of healing also brings a lot of hope and resolve to keep going when you feel like giving up.

If your biological family is not supportive or if they are the ones who hurt you, you can get grafted into the family of God—brothers and sisters who will walk with you through thick and thin, speak God’s truths to you, love you no matter what you’re going through, and draw you back when you wander.

How do we know when we have found a healthy family of God for support? Well, do they follow God’s word, center their values on Him, and live out His love and compassion? God—and ideally, His people—are encouraging, uplifting, and strengthening. Even when God addresses our sin, He does so firmly yet gently with a sense of motivating and encouraging you to transform, not pushing you down and paralyzing you with guilt and condemnation.

Surely, God can work through anyone, but His most powerful healing often comes through people who deeply know His love. One key way to know if it’s God working through someone is—not just if they call themselves Christian or show up at church, but rather—if they have themselves truly experience His mercy and comfort, know His love personally, and thus, can represent His love. No church is perfect, and few may know how to help or what to say to you, but—at the very least—the prayers and loving presence of genuine believers can be helpful as you walk out your healing journey.

People will fail you. They will disappoint you, and you will fail and disappoint them. That’s part of our being human, but…God does reach out to us through one other. You may find that people come and go in life, but the God who is healing you through them remains the same. He never changes, and neither does His love for you. Let Him and His family in to show you that you are not alone. Together, they can love you back to life.